Tag Archives: relationships

Fran’s Party Etiquette Rules – For Guests (Part I)

December 10, 2016 Fran Comment

6 Guest rules to keep you from becoming the party joke.

I love good parties, both throwing them and coming as a guest. They can be great fun (at least for me)! The most amazing thing is that with all of them that I’ve attended and many I have thrown, there’s always someone who ends up being “that guy.” You know, the one that everyone talks about the next day either because of something they did or didn’t do. They’ll make some faux pas by loudly making an inappropriate remark and then repeating it all night, or showing up with their “posse” when the invite clearly was for just them – it could be any number of bad moves and will be memorable depending on just how spectacular the fool decides to be about whatever he (or she) has done.

As carefree as we want to be at parties, there are some cultural rules – etiquette – for both Guest and Host. I’ve collected a few over the years. Call them “Fran’s Party Etiquette Rules” (catchy, don’t you think?). The list has gotten rather long, so I broke them down a bit over several posts (stay tuned!).

Let’s start with the rules that I hope will keep you from becoming the long-remembered party joke:

Never show up to a party empty handed – it’s kinda rude, so don’t do it. Some cultures have a very strong tradition about this – the Japanese even have a special name for such a gift – they call it “Omiyage.” The host has gone to a whole lot of effort to throw this thing – show some appreciation. Having said this there are a few guidelines about gifting that I’ll go through in a later post. Read it!
DON’T bring your own playlist of music unless the host has specifically dubbed you the party DJ. You don’t know what the host has planned and unless you want to wind up being disappointed (or embarrassed) by being asked NOT to mess with the music, just don’t do it.
If you spill something – tell the host/hostess IMMEDIATELY. Don’t run and make pretend you didn’t do it. The sooner it can be cleaned the better the outcome.
If your babysitter bales on you – DON’T bring the kids. Call with your apologies. Your kids don’t want to come to the party and the other adults there won’t be that comfortable either. Even if your host insists you bring them (unless it’s a BBQ in the afternoon) don’t do it. You will need to watch them all night – not great for you either. Just don’t.
Unless you’re are intending to help with the clean-up, and I mean really help not just follow the host around while they’re doing it, then leave before the party is over. My rule of thumb is that if there’s only about 20% of the guests left – it’s time to go.
Don’t look in the cabinets or closets – stuff is put away in there for a reason and it’s not for you to know.
DO NOT GET DRUNK! I know that one seems obvious but, as we all know, there’s always one. Don’t be the one.

Maybe you have a few of your own set of rules? Wanna share? Let me know! Remember, though, it’s not about the rules. To me, a party is just another table to gather around– maybe bigger than your average get-together but it’s always about “around the table” – coming together and showing appreciation to one another that counts most.

Home Entertaining, Food

A Different Friendsgiving

November 19, 2016 Fran Comment

Take your Thanksgiving Dinner to a New Level – In 5 Easy Steps!

When I was growing up Thanksgiving was always at our house. We had a very small family, just 5 of us and no cousins anywhere close by, but my parents did have several close friends and their families would come.

My Dad always made the turkey (he was the good cook in our house!) and I loved the smell of it cooking for hours in the oven. One of my very favorite food memories is my Dad making what he lovingly referred to as Turkey Carcass Soup the next day with, you guessed it, the carcass of the turkey. It was always delicious!

Today my siblings live far away, my parents have passed and my close friends are my family. I know I’m not alone in this situation as my friends and I talk about the looming holidays every year. Some of them travel to their families to celebrate and some are lucky enough to have family close by but there’s always a group of us that are adrift this time of year.

Now we have what has been dubbed a “Friendsgiving” and I have to tell you it’s the BEST. It only takes a few friends, 3-4, to pull this off so you don’t need a crowd at all just a little pre-planning and being firm that it’s a POT LUCK – everyone contributes!

Here are the 5 easy steps to pull off your own Friendsgiving!

Plan the menu a few weeks ahead (3 to be safe) and put it up on a Google Doc so that everyone can sign up. Make sure that the menu includes how many servings are needed. The host ALWAYS makes the turkey (or if you don’t cook- you can buy it already cooked at your local market).
If you don’t have enough chairs and tables, rent them or your friends might have a few extra. You can get very inexpensive table cloths and napkins at Target or IKEA or a local thrift store. The same thing goes for plates, flatware and glasses. Target, IKEA or your local thrift store. They do NOT have to match. Part of the fun is the eclectic setting!
Set the table the night before. I actually do this every time I have a party. It saves not only time but also me from going crazy on the day of the party.
Instead of a formal bar – you can use a cooler filled with ice and put bottles in it to keep cold. These are your friends, after all.
Serve dinner buffet style with little cards with the description of the dish and who made it.

Remember, the whole point of this is to gather your friends and share a wonderful meal that everyone has helped create. Then sit back and watch football!

Friendships

I Propose a Ban on the word “Should”

October 13, 2016 Fran Comment

Stop saying “should” when you really mean “must.”

My Mother was a very smart lady. I didn’t realize it growing up. To be honest, we never realize how smart our parents are when we are young. By the time I really started to appreciate her wisdom and wit, she was gone (she died at 59 – too young). Thirty-two years later, I still hear her voice almost every day. Not exactly how she actually sounded – that disappeared a very long time ago. I hear her words and her clarity – especially when she needed to make a point very clear to me.

One thing that she used to say, and that I now repeat often: the word should needs to be removed from the English dictionary.

When my sons were young, I tried to never use that word with them. I wouldn’t let them use it in their everyday lexicon. I always worked with them to find a good substitute for whatever they were trying to say.

My mother hated that word because of what unspoken pressure came with it. If you think about it, when you say, “You should (do, be, say, etc.)” the listener hears something like, “If you don’t (do, be, say, etc.) then you are a bad person, or an unfeeling person, or an ignorant person or any number of other negative attributes that could be applied to the situation. “Should” often becomes a ‘pressure word’ that’s just filled with judgement. The reality is that when you place that kind of judgement on someone, you rarely get the result you were looking for. If you get what you want, then often it’s because the other person is feeling guilty or doesn’t want that negative attached to them. Either way, the other person is not acting because they feel that something different needs to happen. What you really want from them is an honest change in their behavior – not a change from outside pressure which won’t last.

So let’s all agree – we really should remove the word should from everything we say – we will all be better for it. My mother said so and she was a smart lady.

Friendships

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

September 24, 2016 Fran Comment

What happens when you put meaning behind your words.

I had some very interesting requests over the more than 20 years I owned my restaurants. The strangest one came from a mother who was eating brunch with a large group of people one Sunday. Her son, who was perhaps 6 or 7 years old, was running around the restaurant and had been generally disruptive for most of the time they were seated.

He ran up and down the aisles, pushed open the front doors without regard as to whether there were any people in the way. He hopped in between tables, disturbed other guests, and was generally ill-behaved in every way possible. A busy restaurant is a dangerous place to be running in the aisles and jumping around – for a boy, patrons, and staff. There is a continual stream of heavy plates with hot food on them coming out of the kitchen. My staff was having a hard time avoiding collisions with boy. My manager asked the mother several times to please have her son sit in his chair or at the very least stay at their table for his own safety and the safety of others around him. The woman looked at my manager, then glanced at her rampaging child with hopeless eyes, and shrugged. “What can I do?” she said.

Eventually, as the problem persisted, I finally asked my manager what was going on. He told me that they had all tried to get the boy under control. I decided to go speak to the mother myself, the situation was getting worse not better.

I approached the woman, told her I was the owner and was concerned about the safety of her child. I then asked her to please keep him in his seat or at the least at his chair. Her response me caught me completely by surprise. In a very soft voice she said, “Can you please tell him? He won’t listen to me.” I repeated her request back to her just to make sure I hadn’t misheard and she confirmed her wish that I speak to him. While the request was shocking, I was more than happy to comply. You see, I’ve never had a problem with saying what I mean – and making sure that people knew it.

I stepped in front of the running boy and wouldn’t let him pass so he had to stop. I crouched down, looked him squarely in the eye, and said in a quiet, but very firm voice, “Stop running, go back to your chair, and do not move from it until your mother is ready to leave.” I confess it may have been the same tone I used when I trained my 100 pound Akitas, but I do know for a fact my voice was quiet – and for a 7 year old boy – somewhat intimidating. He quickly went back to his chair and did NOT move for the rest of their meal. He would get up and down from his chair but he stayed right in his place and did not move away. Every so often he would look to see if I was paying attention. I would catch his eye, he would drop his gaze and not move from his seat.

You see if you always say what you mean and mean what you say, something incredible happens: people believe you – especially children and dogs. It’s just easier that way.

Friendships

Practice Makes Perfect? Not so fast.

September 10, 2016 Fran Comment

Practice something imperfectly, and you’ll be worse off.

We’ve been told since we were very young that if you want to be good at something, you’d better practice. What we often miss is the fact that if you practice something poorly, you will NEVER improve. In fact, I guarantee that you’ll be worse off than if you had never practiced at all.

I’m not sure that everyone understands that concept. I do, however, always find it fascinating how many people think that repetition is all that is necessary to have a skill.

I can absolutely, without any doubt whatsoever, tell you that if your goal is to learn a skill and to be able to do it really well if you just practice it a lot without paying attention to how you’re practicing (i.e., practicing carefully and correctly) you will not improve – you will simply be continuing to do it as poorly as when you started – just maybe faster. This holds true to everything from learning a language (where not only vocabulary and grammar are important but also a proper accent) to your workout at the gym, to learning how to poach an egg. It pertains to every skill you want to learn.

Think about learning how to ride a bike. Most of us learned at a young age after spending some time on a tricycle and then a two-wheeler with training wheels attached. Yes, it’s practice – a whole lot of practice. But, what you don’t think about is that you are also learning how to balance properly on two wheels that are turning, how to pedal at the same time you are in motion in order to keep those wheels turning which will allow you to stay upright or that you are learning how to pay attention to the surface you are riding on in order to avoid obstacles and holes. It’s necessary to learn ALL of these separate skills well in order to accomplish your original goal of learning to ride a bike properly.

Practice only makes perfect what you practice perfectly.

Friendships

A Friendship Can’t Rely on Mind Reading

September 1, 2016 Fran Comment

Can your friends levitate at will? Why should they read your mind?

I’m always surprised when someone is upset because a friend didn’t “just know” what they wanted or what they would do in a given circumstance. “Why didn’t he/she just know how to…” – and you can fill in the blank. The situation may range from truly trivial things to serious situations. And their big surprise is that a friend – without knowing anything – missed a big opportunity to prove the depth of their friendship.

I’ve never understood why people think that others can read their minds. Why not just levitate off the ground or use the heat beam from their eyes? Okay, so that’s over the top – but really – ? It’s like a competition. They’re not satisfied with normal relationships and normal ways of communication – “friends” have to be god-like. And that’s just plain silly.

If you want help with something or want another person to do something for you, with you, at you etc. then you’d better speak up and make sure your friend knows what you expect. It just doesn’t make sense to me that friends can’t be clear in their needs from the other person but feel perfectly entitled to be upset when the other person doesn’t already know what is needed from them. Really, I just don’t get it.

Personally, I’d be totally creeped out if my friends could read my mind – I mean, seriously. Isn’t that some kind of stalking? Just sayin.

Do not count on mind reading to get you what you want from a friendship – period. The Great Carnac only worked on late night TV for Johnny Carson. Well, actually sometimes not so great for him either!

Friendships

S__t or Get off the Pot!

August 27, 2016 Fran Comment

Why complain if you’re not going to do anything about it?

My father was a really smart guy. He was actually a rocket scientist when that was a new thing in the 60’s and 70’s. But, he had very little tolerance for someone who complained continually about the same thing but never did anything about it. He would always say “they need to s—t or get off the pot”. I imagine that was a popular thing when he was growing up and there was only one bathroom in the house!

As I get older I find that I often use him as a reference. It’s always strange for me to hear his “voice” come out of my mouth – but like I said he was a really smart guy and I always feel really smart when I do. His frustration over people who refuse to change but love to complain is a frustration I hold as well.

I’ve never understood why someone will complain about something that is happening either to them or around them and then just prefers to continue to complain regularly about that same thing but won’t do anything about it. If the thing is that annoying to them why don’t they just remove themselves from either the thing or the situation that is causing the thing to happen? Perhaps they just like to hear the sound of their voice and think that if they either complain loudly enough or often enough it will stop. I’ve got a secret – the thing will continue to happen until the situation changes.

Here’s the deal (and here’s when I hear my Dad’s voice) no one wants to hear about it over and over again. If they don’t want to change the situation, then they need to change their behavior (at least around me) and just – shut up!

Friendships

The Answer Will Always Be “NO”

August 25, 2016 Fran Comment

Leave a question unasked, the answer will always be “NO” – #Justsayin

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard from friends, family and co-workers who say, “I was afraid to ask,” or “I didn’t want to seem – insert anything here – (stupid, greedy, needy, etc.) so I didn’t ask.” Sometimes we think, “they will just say no anyway so I won’t ask.” There are a gazillion of other excuses as to why the request for whatever it was they wanted was never voiced.

I can tell you this with absolute certainty, if you never ask the question, the answer will ALWAYS be “no.” It’s a truth I repeat too many times to count and yet somehow it’s a statement that is always met with a look of surprise and then “you’re right” comes out of their mouth.

It took me a really long time to absorb this truth but I will say that if you can manage to absorb it too you will get the answer you want more often than the “no” you think you is inevitable. I think we make the assumption that the response will be negative so that we aren’t disappointed if the “no” actually happens.

But here’s the thing, you just might get a “yes.” Of course, you might not really want that “yes” but I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t want whatever it is. Try it and let me know how well it works for you!

Friendships

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

August 13, 2016 Fran Comment

I am always telling people to be present, deal with what’s on their plate at that minute, try to plan ahead but always move forward. If you’re always moving forward in a positive way and completing tasks and goals you will live a very full life.

Unfortunately what I see more often is people that are constantly worried, worried about how unruly or crazy their life is right now, stuck where they are because of this worry.

The truth is that if you stay worried about how complicated your life is right now you will run out of time to be happy. Don’t wait for it to “get better”. We are only given so many days to be on this planet with friends and family around us experiencing life-be happy now.

There is no benefit to staying stuck unless you love that look. It’s definitely NOT for me!

Friendships

I Want To Be Just Like You

August 10, 2016 Fran Comment

I was out with a really good girlfriend last night. When it comes to my “group” of girls she’s a relative newbie- I’ve known her less than 2 years. BUT, and this is a really big but, she’s one of those people that when you meet them you instantly know they will be a lifetime friend-a bestie. She will definitely be in my circle forever.

She’s incredibly smart (street smart in particular which is WAY more important in life than book smart-I don’t care who you ask), funny, quick on her feet in all circumstances, socially very clever and –oh- did I mention that she’s tall and beautiful with a smoking body? No? Well she is. She’s the kind of girl that you could easily hate but she’s way too sweet and caring to do that.

She can keep up with me, which is no easy feat as I move at 100 mph most days. She says she loves that I can keep up with her! So here’s the thing. Last night she said that I’m her role model after her mom and that she wants to be ME when she grows up (she’s turning the big 4-0 in a couple of years)! No one, and I mean NO ONE has ever said they want to grow up to be me. I love that she sees me in that way, I don’t understand it but I do love it.

Here is my view on that- I think that it’s important to become the person that you needed to have in your life when you were growing up. Be the person for others that you needed for you.

I’m not saying I didn’t have support when I was young but my family did things in their own way as all families do and as the “creative one” in the bunch in my house I’m not sure that they always understood me or what I wanted although I think they did try. I didn’t see them as unusual or as interesting as I thought I was.

I was always looking to go out and be the person who traveled, saw theater, ate out experiencing different cuisines and did what I viewed as exciting things. Them – not so much. Although my brother did take a trip to Mexico to go to a weekend long concert which my Dad tagged along to as the only way they’d let him go. My brother ended up needing my Dad to get them the hell out of there went the concert went sideways!

But I digress.

I guess I’ve grown into that person that I wished I’d had in my family. The one that was as “crazy” as I was and am and could run circles around almost anyone around them. It’s a fun way to live I can honestly say. So, here I am- apparently that person for this best friend of mine. Wow!!! Here’s to the wild ride.

Friendships

You Might Have to Give Up on a Friend

July 9, 2016 Fran 1 Comment

Sometimes, You Have to Let Go and Move On

This took me a long time to figure out but I’m going to share it so it won’t take anyone else forever to realize this truth. You cannot, and I mean cannot in every sense of the word, make a friend care about anything. You can’t make them care about you or what’s happening in your life and for sure you can’t make them care about themselves and what’s happening in their lives if they don’t want to.

If you’ve ever had an addict, drugs or alcohol or anything else, in your family or if they’re a friend you’ve come up against this. It is one of the hardest things to deal with. It is human nature to want to help, to “fix” whatever is wrong – at least it’s mine.

It happened with a friend of mine a long time ago and until that person decided to deal with their own issue it didn’t get resolved. I was lucky; they did decide to change before their behavior killed them. The old saying that someone has to hit bottom before they can find their way up is very true.

But, I’ve also been faced with a friend who was participating in some really bad behavior who was convinced they were just fine and didn’t want or need help to quit. It didn’t matter how many wonderful talks we would have on the subject where they would agree that perhaps they weren’t really being that wise in their choices and I would be hopeful that they would change.

I finally had to give up on them and remove them from my life. I gave up not because I didn’t care about them anymore but because they didn’t care about themselves. I had to recognize it and accept it. Cutting them out of my life wasn’t easy, it sure didn’t mean I still didn’t love them but it did make my life easier. You can only hit your head against a brick wall so many times before you realize that if you stop you’ll feel better.

Home Entertaining, Friendships

How a Foodie Eats the Perfect Meal

April 29, 2016 Fran Comment

I always find it funny when someone asks me if I’m a foodie. I guess I am, I love eating both at home and out. It doesn’t matter how close or far away, how casual or fancy the place is, food trucks are good too as far as I’m concerned. The only criteria I insist on, no matter the price of the meal, is that the food has got to be good.

I do love McDonald’s French Fries, a double-double protein style from In-n-Out Burger all the way to my own personal must-have – my monthly visit to Maude in Beverly Hills for their phenomenal prix-fixe dinners. I will not however spend money, no matter how inexpensive or popular a place is, unless the food is good.

Having said all of that, except for the prix-fixe dinners, my friends always defer to me when we are ordering our meal. That is not to say that I do not ask everyone if there is a dish on the menu that looks good to them or, if they’ve been to the place before, if there’s something that they love in particular.

I absolutely do ask those questions. You have to consider who is with you and what you know about their eating habits – you know – what they like to eat and if they’re willing to stretch their comfort zone a little. I have my limits on the stretching – I’m all about the texture so I just can’t do some things – chicken wings for one as I don’t like what I refer to as “snappy” things. I’ve acquired a taste for octopus but I’ve discovered it has to be grilled which dries it out a bit and not poached – slimey!

I’m completely out of the habit of ordering my own appetizer and entrée. I just don’t do it anymore – it’s not fun! We are always the group next to you that orders several dishes “for the table” and it looks like we have ordered way too much food (sometimes it’s true) but it’s really so that we can all share and taste multiple items from the chef.

My friends tell me that I’m the best at ordering a meal and I say that it’s a trick to know how to order around a menu. I’ll let you in on my secret.

I find that the appetizers on a menu tend to be more interesting than the entrées so I will generally order a few of those, then at least one from the salad section (depending on the group size this may go to 2-3), at least one side vegetable and, again depending on the group size, a couple of entrées that we all share. Try not to repeat items from the appetizers to the entrées – if the appetizer has crab then don’t order a crab entrée.

If you’ve done this correctly everyone has tasted multiple dishes, there’s not too much left on the table and everyone has room to share a couple of desserts. I’m one of those that a spoonful or two of something sweet is enough for me. Try it the next time you’re out, it works with just one friend too. Just sayin’.